Part 4

This is the day everything changes. I’m lying on the hospital bed, small and weak, nurses coming and going, checking on me, my blood, my fluid levels. I hear them murmuring they’re surprised I’m not dead. One of them keeps hiding the needles and I don’t understand why. I see them talking in the hallway, the fat one looks at me through the door that’s ajar, and looks at someone I can’t see.

The door opens and in walks the sunshine. It’s you. Your radiance enlightens me, and I almost cry out of happiness.

You ask me how I am and I’m not sure how to answer. How am I? I nod and you smile. I ask why you’re here, with all the courage I have in the world, I get it uttered out. You tell me you were worried about me after seeing what happened.

I don’t know what happened, I say and you look surprised. You called me, I continue, your eyebrows move down a notch. You tell me you didn’t call me, but I insist. You ask to show my phone but I don’t have it anymore. I lost it somewhere, possibly in the lake. You show me yours and there’s no record of the call. I think you deleted it.

We talk for a long time. I am suddenly feeling filled with joy, such immense joy, I’ve never felt like such in my life. Sun’s starting to set, the last rays of light filtering through the murky window, you glance outside and it’s summer, the most beautiful time of the year, you start to get up and I ask you to stay. You look at me again, with tenderness in your eyes, and explain you’ll visit again. Your shadow leaves the room but your spirit stays. I breathe in the warm summer air that flows in through the open window and smile. The fat nurse looks at me through the crack in the door again.

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Part 3

I never thought you and I would meet again. But there you were. A black umbrella, standing next to a white SUV. Your silhouette against the sunny skies. I smiled first time in months. My lips hurt. I dragged myself to you, looking up, waiting for you to open your arms and hug me.

You looked down on me, surprised. You opened your mouth, said my name. Said was not the right word, you asked my name. The light in my eyes died out. Why are you not happy? Why are you surprised? Why are you looking at me like I’m filth?

Your lips moving, I can’t hear what you’re saying. Ringing in my ears. You extend your arm and grab my hand. I feel such joy and warmth inside, my head bursting with thoughts that shouldn’t be there.

You grab your phone and dial a number. 15 minutes later I’m being taken into a car, you look at me, pity in your eyes. I can’t understand what’s going on.

 

A nurse looks at me. Bright lights blinding me from above. Everything hurts, everything, my lips, my head, my eyes, but most of all, my soul. I try to purge it, get rid of everything that is filth inside me, and I fall asleep.

 

When I wake up I’m not sure what day or year it is. I scream your name, tears in my eyes, I can’t breathe.

The nurse brings in spaghetti with meat sauce. I throw it in the wall, I’m vegetarian, I can’t walk and I try to escape by crawling. I need to see you. I go under again, black in my eyes and darkness in my mind.

Sleeping a dreamless sleep, you’re in there, holding my hand and I can smile again with no pain.

I wake up. There’s no you. There’s no me. There’s no nothing really. How do I get out of something that doesn’t exist?

Part 2

This is the story of how you broke me.

 

We met in high school. I was 17 years old, my clothes were ripped and I smoked a lot of cigarettes. You walked in through the doors and didn’t look at me. I was sitting on the couch pretending I was someone else, thinking it was 1975. Your hair was short and it fell on your eyes beautifully, shadowing your soul. From beneath the hair I could tell you had the most beautiful eyes, shining, furiously firing – your soul.

After each class I would look for you, find a place where I could stare at you without looking suspicious. I avoided the cafeteria, I couldn’t be around that many people. My mind was broken and only you could heal it. You were so lean and beautiful, like a model. I stopped eating and withered away, my leather jacket got too big for me and my jeans too baggy. You still didn’t look at me.

 

Lying on my bed, tears in my eyes, staring at the wall, all I could think of was you. How I needed you. I popped a cigarette in my mouth and lit it, hoping it would light up my bed and burn me away.

 

Then it happened. It was the last seat available, and you were late. I was nervous as you sat down. You said hi, I tried uttering a word of some sort, but it got stuck in the void that was my mind, my mouth could not follow with everything that needed to be said, so I just said nothing. You looked at me from the corner of your eye, and saw my purple eyebags, my cheeks so caved in you could almost see all my bones.

We started writing. All my stories were of you but you couldn’t understand. Maybe you didn’t want to. I tried making it clear, but how would I write down something so complex, a feeling that can’t be described?

Each class I felt so happy and nauseated at the same time. It was the best time of my life. I ate again. I had fruits and vegetables and washed my hair.

 

One day you didn’t show up.

Where is she, I demanded, tears in my eyes. Everyone was looking at me. Had I lost it? Where is she, I screamed. Nobody answered and I ran. I ran until I couldn’t run anymore, ran into the shore and tried to submerge myself in the steel grey water.

 

Later I learned you had started working and wouldn’t be back. Most of my hair had fallen off. The void in my mind grew larger each day, the darkness inside my soul deeper than ever before. I needed you, I told myself and tried convicing myself that one day you’d be back, and then we’d be together, I’d ask you out of course, you’d take me, we’d be together happily ever after.

I popped a pill in my mouth every couple hours. When it didn’t work anymore, I increased the dose. I was barely there. I was staring into the ceiling of my bedroom, lying on the floor in the midst of garbage and pictures of you that I printed from the internet. My lips were chapped and my eyes red. I couldn’t be without you.

 

But finally you called.

Part 1

Finally you call me.

I take the first flight to Paris and meet up with you. It’s been so long, where have you been hiding all this time?

But he’s there. He’s following you. I join him in following you, as you peak into expensive restaurants and bars and restaurants. I can’t ever afford to take you there, I think and am reminded how I’m not supposed to be here, not with you, that I’m from the wrong side of the town, I’m the loner and outsider with no future, you’re the shiny and beautiful, a rising star, you have mascara around your soul and your soul is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, grey as ice in late winter, and him, he is the one that should be here, not me, he grabs your hand and you look so happy.

 

You’re walking in your high heels, you take me out of town. You turn into me and finally, finally, you lean in and say the words I’ve needed to hear for so long.

You push me to the ground and I’m not sure how to react, I’m excited and you fall on top of me, but you’re holding a knife that pierces me as you fall. I’m bleeding and I can’t breathe, I try to leave, but I fall back down, bleeding.

 

The next morning you’re still there. You’re looking at me from the side of the bed, I’m still bleeding but you ignore it.

It’s always you, everything we do is always for you. I’m not there. I follow you like a lost puppy, and when you pull me up and tie my wounds, I touch your lean little hips and feel the fabric of your bodysuit against my skin.

I hug you and you barely hug me back, but I can tell things have shifted, we leave and I follow you.

 

I follow you where ever you go, until you turn around and board the plane. It disappears into the distance, I can’t follow you there, because once you’re gone you can’t come back.

I’m sinking, suddenly I’m standing in the water so cold that I can’t feel my legs, the water is blue, and gets darker as I sink. I imagine your soul and how all I ever did was for you.

 

Out of the blue, and into the black, we will never die.