Those days are now past. It’s autumn and we’re back to school. We sit at the back of the classroom, autumn air coming through the crack in the window. It’s our last year of high school before university. You already know what you’re going to do, you’re going to be a doctor and heal people and give them hope. I have no idea what I’m going to be, I can’t focus on anything except you, you’re the only thing I want. You tell me I should look into writing classes but I think you’re just saying that to be nice.
Each day that passes I feel stronger and stronger about you. I skip classes because I can’t keep up. I go to the doctor and they give me more pills. You bring me apples and make sure I eat. I have no idea why you keep me so well, why you take care of me, and I cry at night when you’re not with me. When you see me cry for the first time you hug me and kiss me, and then it happens. You tell me you love me. And it breaks my heart.
I don’t say I love you.
Last day of school, you’re graduating with top scores and you’re wearing a white dress like an angel. Your hair is white and long, it sways in the wind. I stand further back, dressed in torn jeans and a hoodie. My scores were too low to pass, the principal made some stuff up, just to get me out of her face I’m sure.
You have a job for the summer, I don’t. I wait for you to come by, but sometimes you work late and I don’t see you all day. I stop eating. I panic and cry and write on my walls. I can see them caving in, and I can’t stop it. Only you can keep the monsters away.
Sometimes you find me in the middle of the night, you have your own key, I’m sleeping on the floor, wrapped in your favourite sweater, I’ve started drinking again. The ashtrays are full of cigarette dumps, my life in shatters. All I live for is you.