I never thought you and I would meet again. But there you were. A black umbrella, standing next to a white SUV. Your silhouette against the sunny skies. I smiled first time in months. My lips hurt. I dragged myself to you, looking up, waiting for you to open your arms and hug me.
You looked down on me, surprised. You opened your mouth, said my name. Said was not the right word, you asked my name. The light in my eyes died out. Why are you not happy? Why are you surprised? Why are you looking at me like I’m filth?
Your lips moving, I can’t hear what you’re saying. Ringing in my ears. You extend your arm and grab my hand. I feel such joy and warmth inside, my head bursting with thoughts that shouldn’t be there.
You grab your phone and dial a number. 15 minutes later I’m being taken into a car, you look at me, pity in your eyes. I can’t understand what’s going on.
A nurse looks at me. Bright lights blinding me from above. Everything hurts, everything, my lips, my head, my eyes, but most of all, my soul. I try to purge it, get rid of everything that is filth inside me, and I fall asleep.
When I wake up I’m not sure what day or year it is. I scream your name, tears in my eyes, I can’t breathe.
The nurse brings in spaghetti with meat sauce. I throw it in the wall, I’m vegetarian, I can’t walk and I try to escape by crawling. I need to see you. I go under again, black in my eyes and darkness in my mind.
Sleeping a dreamless sleep, you’re in there, holding my hand and I can smile again with no pain.
I wake up. There’s no you. There’s no me. There’s no nothing really. How do I get out of something that doesn’t exist?